Assertive, Aggressive, or Leave Me Alone: Where Do You Fall on the Leadership Scale?

Assertive, Aggressive, or Leave Me Alone: Where Do You Fall on the Leadership Scale?

THE COMMON CHALLENGE: Many of the executives we are asked to coach have a common problem: they are either too aggressive or too retiring. Their organization wants us to encourage them to be less aggressive or more assertive. Finding that “sweet spot” where their views are heard and respected, yet they don’t trample over other voices, seems to elude their leadership skills.

ARE YOU ASSERTIVE OR AGGRESSIVE? There are many definitions of assertiveness versus aggressiveness, but a simple one I use is that aggressive behavior denies the rights of others and emphasizes winning at all costs; frequently, aggressive behavior uses anger or physical intimidation. Aggressive leaders don’t understand the difference between debate and dialogue. Read “Are You Using Debate or Dialogue? Does It Matter?” to learn the difference.

In contrast, someone who is assertive tries to find a win/win solution, listens well, and allows others to save face.

TOO RETIRING? On the other side of the scale are those who have failed to find their own voice as a leader. Frequently, even when they suspect a team’s course of action is a mistake, they will fail to speak up and allow the herd of lemmings to leap off a strategic cliff. They mistake passivity for teamwork and fail to make necessary contributions.

What Should You Do?

ASK FOR FEEDBACK: Through a 360 review, performance feedback or other tool, ask your staff for feedback about your style. While they may not be honest the first time you ask, if you keep asking, eventually you will receive a useful assessment. Be wary of asking family and friends. I have known many a workplace mouse who turned into a tyrant at home! We all behave differently depending upon the environment and the particular power dynamic we are facing.

LEARN TO LISTEN AND TO SPEAK UP:  We all like to think we are good listeners but most of us are not. When I was coaching an executive who was athletic, physically commanding, and had a habit of pacing like a caged cheetah when he spoke to his underlings, I had to have special cards made up for him that said: “Sit down, lean back, breathe, listen.” Read “Want to Be a More Effective Leader? Learn How to Listen” for tips on listening skills.

Similarly, for team members who are reluctant to speak up, I coach them to start small with issues that are not too threatening in order to practice assertiveness skills. I remind them that it’s all about skills, and that anyone can learn them, just as we can learn a new computer program. You can say almost anything if you know how to say it.

EDUCATE YOURSELF: Read books, listen to podcasts, watch videos on communication skills, attend training and teach others what you have learned.

While most of us realize that we need to constantly improve our technical skills,

we don’t pay the same attention to learning communication skills, even though lack thereof is frequently the number one problem that may limit our advancement.

What Do You Think?

Have you known leaders who were too aggressive or too retiring?  Contact us at: 303-216-1020 or Lynne@workplacesthatwork.com