A few years ago, we were hired to coach a female manager named Lily who worked for a large corporation and had long-standing conflicts with two men — powerful people in the organization — that she had never resolved. She managed to work her way up to a vice presidency, and these two men also ended up being vice presidents in this organization. Lily didn’t like them. In fact, she couldn’t stand them, but believed she was hiding her feelings.
However, over the years Lily’s whisperings and complaints behind their backs had made the rounds. Even though she discreetly expressed her disapproval to others in the organization, Lily thought these men wouldn’t hear. What she didn’t realize was that everyone in the organization — including her boss and her colleagues — knew how she felt.
When we began her coaching, we told her “You know, you really need to work with them because we know the CEO expects all the VPs to work together as a team.” And she would reply, “Oh, they don’t know how I feel! I’m sure they don’t know how I feel.” Eventually, unbeknownst to Lily, her two male colleagues worked politically to force her out of the organization. And they succeeded. Lily was shocked.
When the CEO asked her to leave, the reason he cited was that she was difficult to work with, she wasn’t “nice” enough. Since when is “niceness” a requirement for success in most corporations? The reality was the two VPs—and many others–knew that she didn’t like them and had difficulty working with them. We really do telegraph how we feel to people in the workplace.
One our favorite quotes is from Emerson, who said, “Who you are speaks so loudly, I can’t hear a word you’re saying.”
